22. Is Rejection Personal? Because it feels like it...

The age-old question: Is rejection personal?

Is it personal? Is it not personal? Do you take it personally? Because it definitely feels personal...

In today's episode, we talk about your brain and how it spends so much time trying to solve the mystery of why you're not booking because uncertainty feels really uncomfortable. And because of that every rejection adds fuel to the fire, and before you know it, you feel like a dumpster fire. Just straight TRASH blowing in the wind without a purpose.

But here's the thing: that's just a STORY you're telling yourself. What we want to focus on are the FACTS, because your brain would rather create a really painful story than sit with a small amount of uncertainty. And rejection is more of an occupational hazard than a measure of your talent or your worth.

That's why I created the Unstoppable Actor Group Coaching Program. Too many actors believe they aren't good enough to book, and that's simply... not true. If you're tired of letting rejection spiral into an identity collapse, this episode is for you.

Don't forget to join the waitlist for the Unstoppable Actor Group Coaching Program!

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Transcript

Projection And Taking It Personally

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Today we're talking about projection. Is it personal? Is it not personal? Do you take it personal? I used to take it personal for sure. And as actors, we are story making machines, right? It's what we live on, what we thrive on. Because we go from submission weight, submission, weight, submission weight, our brain has all this time to create stories about why we didn't book, where we didn't book, when we didn't book. Your brain spends all of its time trying to solve this big mystery about why you're not booking because uncertainty feels so uncomfortable. And your brain would rather create a really painful story than sit in that uncertainty because then maybe they'll think that I think that they thought that.

The Unstoppable Actor Mindset Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Hey Unstoppable Actor. Welcome to the Unstoppable Actor Mindset Podcast. I'm your host, Meg Salisbury, actress, model, and mindset coach for actors. This podcast is all about the inner work behind building a sustainable acting career. Because while talent matters, the inner work you do behind the scenes is just as important as the work you do on camera or on stage. The way you think, the habits you build, and the courage it takes to keep showing up, even in the face of rejection, shapes the careers we create. Each episode, you'll explore practical mindset tools, honest conversations, and the habits that will create real momentum in your acting career. If you're ready to strengthen your mindset and keep moving forward, you're in the right place. Let's get to work. Welcome back to the Unstoppable Actor mini-series. Bartholomew. I cannot have this close to you because you just keep fucking with it. There we go. Welcome back to the Unstoppable Actor mini-series, where we are talking about self-trust, confidence, rejection, emotional resilience, nervous system safety, and what it actually means to build a sustainable acting career from the inside out. Bartholomew is back with us, baby. He's back. Today we're talking about projection. Is it personal? Is it not personal? Do you take it personal? I used to take it personal for sure. Now stick with me here because I got a theory. What does it mean when we don't get a callback? Or when we don't get a roll? Or when we don't hear back. Sir, that's my microphone. Sir, sir. That is my microphone and you must leave it alone. Bartholomew! You actually stole it! You are being a real menace today. You chewing on my buttons now? Enough.

unknown 2:50

God.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

We had to switch sides for the microphone because this little bugger won't stop playing with it. So what do you make it mean when you didn't get that callback or you didn't book the role at all? Or maybe you got dropped by your agent. Or when you're seeing somebody else book on social media, what do you

Facts Versus Stories After Rejection

SPEAKER_00 3:10

make it mean? Have you noticed that your brain actually fills in those blanks? So if your brain fills in the blanks, let's talk about the difference between the facts versus the story. So I'm gonna give you a couple scenarios here and let's see where your brain fills in for the blank. So first scenario, you just submitted your last audition, you felt great about it, but you didn't book the rule. What is the story that your brain makes up to fill in those blanks? I'm not telling enough. I'm not good enough. I'm never gonna book again. Scenario number two, fact number two. You hear from your agent, but they went another direction. You had a call back, but they decided to go another way. What's the story that your brain's made up here to fill in the blanks? Maybe it's some comparison. They're better than me, they'll always be better than me. I'm not blank. What I want you to notice here as your brain fills in the gaps for you is what beliefs you're actually believing. Because most of the suffering here isn't actually coming from that rejection itself. It's coming from that story that your brain has created to explain or make some meaning behind it. And as actors, we are story-making machines, right? It's what we live on, what we thrive on. Because we go from submission, wait, submission, wait, submission, wait, our brain has all this time to create stories about why we didn't book, where we didn't book, when we didn't book. Your brain spends all of its time reading into everything, trying to make sure you're safe, looking for cues, looking for proof, trying to solve this big mystery about why you're not booking, because uncertainty feels so uncomfortable, and your brain would rather create a really painful story than sit in that uncertainty, and that's really, really huge and really scary.

The Agent Email Spiral Story

SPEAKER_00 4:57

And this actually happened to me recently where my brain created this whole story around an experience with my agent that had absolutely nothing to do with what was the reality of the situation. So let's get into the juicy deeds because I know you want them. So I had got a submission from my agent. I decided that I would do the submission, right? And then as I got into like the nittier, grittier details of the submission, as I was kind of getting prepped and ready to submit, I realized that I probably wasn't gonna book this gig. And the character was a hunter. I don't think I really come off with like hunter vibes. And after reading the breakdown and the script and everything really thoroughly, I just felt like this wasn't the role for me. And so I sat on the couch with my husband because I had already told my agent that I would submit for this, and I was getting everything together for the audition, kind of getting mad, the printer wasn't working, like everything was like kind of breaking down with technology left and right as I was trying to prepare for this audition. It was taking me forever to like even just get to the point to sit down and do a self-tape. And my husband was like, Why you don't normally get frustrated and upset like this? Why are you so frustrated and upset right now? And I stopped what I was doing and I was like, I'm just not gonna book this one, and so I don't even know why I'm submitting for it. But if I don't submit for it, my agent is gonna think I'm an asshole because I've already told him I'd submit for it. And I don't even know what to say in the email to say that I don't really fit the spec for this because I've already said I kind of fit the spec for it by saying I would audition for it. But I also don't want to upset my agent and say the word spec because then maybe they'll think that I think that they thought that they should have sent me a role that I shouldn't have sent. I got confused there. Maybe they'll think that I think that they don't know how to do their jobs because they sent me specs for something that I don't fit. Whoa. Do you see the complexity of a story that I've woven here that was not even near reality? And my husband, after hearing me like go off the deep end with this story that I'm created, looked at me and was like, honey, they're not gonna think that. Why would they think that? So I sat down, I wrote a very kind email saying basically after reviewing the submission details, I don't know if this is a a good fit for me, and sent it off on its way, and everything was fine. But our brains do this around auditions, around callbacks, around bookings, around how we look, around our resume, around any and every fucking thing that you can think of that you might have some insecurity about.

Stop Collecting Evidence Against Yourself

SPEAKER_00 7:41

But my point around this whole story is that it is such a dangerous habit to collect evidence for stories that we don't know are true. As humans, what we do is we create beliefs and then we unconsciously gather proof. If you believe that you are always overlooked, then every rejection is gonna get to added to a pile of rejections where you're overlooked. Or every callback that you get that doesn't convert is gonna slowly add up. Or every day or every month or every week between bookings is gonna get slowly added up. Meanwhile, all these amazing things you're doing, all the wins that you're having, all the auditions you're submitting, all the hard work you're putting into your career is getting ignored. The progress is getting ignored, all of the growth that you have is getting ignored. So once your brain has decided on a story, it's gonna start auditioning all that evidence. So let's audition some evidence in your favor. But I also want to normalize that disappointment's okay, but it's when your whole identity kind of gets collapsed and you're growing evidence against your whole identity. That collapse, not great. Terrible for our careers, actually. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care, and I'm not saying that rejection isn't gonna hurt and sting, and I'm not saying that you should become a robot in no form or means. Instead, let's be disappointed without making it mean something about who we are as people. Because disappointment is human, sadness is human, frustration is human, but I'm not enough? That's a whole different conversation about identity collapse. So what if we just treated rejection as information and not a personal attack on who we are? It's just information. What if rejection wasn't proof? What if it wasn't evidence? What if it was just simply a part of the process? Let's talk about athletes. Athletes lose games, but they don't make it a part of their identity. Writers, they get rejected for their scripts all the time, but it doesn't have to become part of who they are. Entrepreneurs are launching things all the time that flops. Every profession has feedback, every profession has ups and downs. Actors just happen to receive their feedback in a very personal feeling format. But rejection, it's not like character assessment. It's just like an occupational hazard, if you will. This is what we work on inside Unstoppable Actor. Not a life that has no rejection, not a life where you don't feel, not a life where rejection gets to decide how you feel about yourself. If you find yourself really resonating here with this mini-series episode, I wonder what story that you've been carrying around about yourself that actually just started with a rejection. What would happen if you stopped treating that story like a fact?

Share The Episode And Keep Going

SPEAKER_00 10:52

Thank you so much for spending this time with me on Unstoppable Actor Mindset. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with a fellow actor who might need to hear it too. If you'd like to keep exploring these ideas, you can listen to more episodes of the podcast, read deeper reflections on the Unstoppable Actor blog, or follow along on social media at Meg Sallsbury Creative, where I share more tools and behind-the-scenes moments of life as an actor. And if you want these conversations delivered straight to your inbox, you can also join my email newsletter, The Unstoppable Actor Insider. As an insider, you'll be the first to hear about updates or special offers or new resources designed to support your acting career. And don't forget, the inner work you do behind the scenes is just as important as the work you do on camera or on stage. Next booking? Watch out, because here you come.